Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality