terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
You Might Also Like
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.