me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.