When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?