I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Wednesday
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Last-minute gift idea!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Grandmother clock.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes