[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.