British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”