Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
absolutely not
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too