It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!