I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The news
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Guy who likes music
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
necessity is the mother of invention
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not