Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
This is enough internet for the day.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Ghost costume 😂
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.