Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.