To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.