*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
🙄😏😂🤣
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent