Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”