Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon