Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You Might Also Like
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.