Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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Thinking about Jeff
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
the answer was staring at me all along
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
A small tragedy.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.