Carpe DM
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My diet was going really well until I woke up.