*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.