Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Free him
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.