“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I am HOWLING at this
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”