caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.