“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
looks legit
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps