dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.