*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Writing, She Murdered.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
British websites use biscuits.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.