Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
going to the ER y’all need anything
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit