My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Love this one 😂🧟
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Dude just wanted a popsicle…