My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Lmao the reply
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.