PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
yeah not falling for this one
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
had to share :’)
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old