ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me recordaron éste meme
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”