Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Who’s your best friend?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.