Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My time has come.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined