The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️