If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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“How’s your day going?”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.