If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.