You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns