I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson