Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.