I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
no their not
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
that de-escalated quickly
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .