[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…