NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone