The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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Unimpressed
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My what?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution