You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.