I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something