Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?