I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
You Might Also Like
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.