My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?