Bless you
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
oppen heimer style lol
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My spirit animal is fried chicken
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice