Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
🍞🦆
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
get you a girl who
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching